idk what this dog had been going through but same
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.