I’d walk over cotton balls for you
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!