“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
This is why I hate group projects
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”