“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
You Might Also Like
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.