My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.