Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Oops
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids