the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Herpes is trending, good job people