“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
moms in horror movies
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
selfie game