I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Name this drama.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.