“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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