[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
We’re all getting idioter.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no