random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The best plant holders?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.