Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
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couldn’t resist
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone