[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Confused owl: What?!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.