FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*