“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*me flirting
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.