8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Ovenable?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
yes… yes…
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.