Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..