If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Don’t talk down to me
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho