Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.