God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.