“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms