It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
File under excellent bookstore names.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more