Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.