I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that