My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can鈥檛 馃槀
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I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I鈥檒l have to put into updating her room to a home gym
if I ever have a daughter I鈥檓 gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You鈥檙e secretly
Made of bread
There鈥檚 nothing creepier than the way they鈥檙e relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i鈥檝e hung them from my shoulders.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn鈥檛 get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it鈥檚 shark week
Guy 1: that鈥檚鈥hat鈥檚 not what shark week is
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[interview]
Your r茅sum茅 says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something