Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁