My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Britain be like
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Nose
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.