Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I put the hot in psychotic.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa