We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.