Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
You Might Also Like
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.