Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.