Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
You Might Also Like
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If you know, you know
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.