If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.