hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.