My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I only say stupid things when I talk.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.