What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point