I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.