I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Mad Max: Furry Road
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers