scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Is your wife single?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
the saddest jazz hands ever
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You know…for fall…
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming