Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“Great, now I have to pee.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
i- i did not expect this
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?