[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread