My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.