Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.