Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS