the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
New favorite tiktok
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)