A classic…
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!