After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
What is going on? 😅
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.