Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You Might Also Like
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The Birdles
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”