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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents